Whispers of Relationships past

Hello sleepy heads,

I am doing something new with my journey of self growth today.

I have for years collectively and unfairly have had in the past seen only the negative things that have happened to me in my relationships and never really honored the good that has come out of it.

I hope by doing this it changes my attitude of relationships and helps with future interactions.

I have learned the power and of the Mother's instinct towards children how the bond that is between a mother and her children is a path to the future of our world. In order to grow with someone they must include and cherish children as much as the mom.

I have been reminded of the need to tap and get in touch with your inner child and to play to ease the stress of the world and to give yourself a break. It is ok to get lost in silly times and enjoy childish thoughts.

Take in the world around you and be aware of everything your senses tell you. It makes what you do in life have more meaning and value that you can share with others as a gift of understanding.

Do connect and keep in touch with old friends as long as you can as they helped shape your life to waht it is today.

Seek out passion in all the things you do, keeping your heart open and fill it up to keep the fires of inspiration going even at the hardest lowest times. Always seek the truth behind the actions of others so that less miscommunication happens.

Be proud of your style of life and witty conversations you have friends and strangers alike.

Life is to short, laughter lightens the heavy things in life. Keeps you smiling and your heart young.

And keep strong and grounded even against all odds. You deserve a better outcome in life when the shit is piling up. It is a beautiful thing to overcome a challenge in life.

I honor whose that have taught me these things and even though you are not part of my heart you have shaped my soul and the person I am today.

I thank you for the gifts you have given me, the fun times we have shared and the inspiration of hope you have given me in one day finding someone that is all these and more.

I hope where ever you are you are well and at peace. Thank you so very much for sharing even a little bit of your lives.

Sandman out.

Odd thoughts to odd terms used that piss me off.

Hello, sleepy world,

So going to update some of my thoughts from last year on dating and relationships.

Why use trendy nonsense words like spark or vibe and chemistry to crush someone's hopes of happiness?

Spark, what the hell has this got to do with emotions at all. I am not a robot from another world. I am as real as everything living on this planet.

Spark is dumb if you are looking for a spark with me you won't get it cause I am not a toaster or TV hello.

I mean I love tech, and pretty lights but my thoughts and emotions come from passion and caring. Which I have enough of for several people. It is embarrassing to hear from someone summing up their limited and short exposure to my life to no spark.

What the hell, easy trendy word that means so much more than the actual purpose of it. I am tired of it cause I feel like I am just being tossed like an outdated piece of hardware.

Have a heart and at less give me something to work with rather than some lame ass word to define some pretty heavy emotional thing.

Vibe, I see where this might have been useful years ago. Now though I drive a Vibe. It describes for me a gut feeling or sense of a situation that can be good or bad. I g
et this sometimes as a follow word to the hey don't feel like I just curb stomped your heart. It is the Vibe right nothing personally.

Ok, I am in mental and emotional shock. Let me collect my sorry ass before shoving that salt in my wound!

Ah yes, Chemistry is something I remember avoiding in High School. Or a type of science to study chemicals, gases and things.

I get that yes, there some chemical reaction in our grey matter going on but I am not some kind of freak lab rat for fuck sake.

These terms are not needed, I just don't like you works with the same point and power than the above terms. Nothing wrong with not liking someone. Hell you do not owe them anything as to why either.

The emotional pain of breaking a social connection is painful enough. To sugar coat it even more it is not helpful to anyone.

And for me who has issues understanding complex emotional and verbal ideas it does the opposite to the intended message. I read that as some room to work with it is not black and white enough for me. Just pretty damn confusing honestly.

And if the person takes it hard and is freaky or strange. It is supposed to happen that way. You don't like them in a romantic way this will make sure they know where they stand without question.

The other terms can also be seen as judgement. People don't do well these days when they feel they are being judged. It is what it is these days. Intention and meaning is shit today.

People just want to see, hear and feel the way they will. If they want to freak out, overthink and or get hostile. This is not your concern. This is their reaction and now is out of your hands. They choose this as they wish to react. You are good, anything after this really is just crap and BS.

Likely the reason why you are choosing to break it off anyway. So this is more or less confirming the feeling you are getting about things. Walk away and keep on moving.

Sandman out

Creative Overtime

Hi,

putting poems down as I see them.

Reminders of the bonds,

Binding me to promises,

Woman's words only reprises,

Of the chains,

Scars of pain,

Even all this time,

I can her chime,

You are home,

Why are people all the same,

Finding words to heal but maim,

Clouding the future interactions,

No more satisfaction,

You look at me that way,

Sorrow held in sway,

No Angels going to come and save me,

Fresh out of White Knights and can't see,

Why no one has faith,

Treat me like a Wraith,

Just want a heart to call own,

Shit, I made my own Home,

Here I wait

Here I will stay,

What happened to the pay it forward bank, more like broken backwards

Hello, how are the sleepy and the restless.


So yes you are not seeing things I find myself back on here in less than a week from my last post.

All my life I have been doing things for others spent most of my life helping and being a caretaker. The thankless role in modern society.

Where is my damn payback, I am due, I am owed something for all my work and dedication for all my invested years.

Not brush-offs and half assed commitments, not IOUs or sure we will do something soon.

I want it back now, my self-worth involves feeling like I am not something that can be ignored or pushed to the damn side.

I would never treat people with such disrespect unless they got in now face and thought they were so much better than me.

I bear a lot of weight of stress or the potential of it every day. I have made a promise to myself a few years ago that I need to find a place in my life where I can just be, no worries, or concerns or heaping piles of bs dumping all over me 24/7.

I have found and it has made the world of difference. I no longer involve myself in lives of others unless I feel ok with doing it. Now a new promise if you are not around to make things better then it is time for you to go.

Also going to make an effort to be more critical of my interaction with Negative anything. I know the world is a tough place well you are not dragging me with you. I have worked hard to get where I am. Which is not much but it is mine and I earned it.

The power here is if you power and invest into the negative things then you are only going to get it back but if you walk away you might find things are better.

People will not put up with negative stuff for long. It hurts to see people resort to this sort of thing, but people are jerks more and more these days.

Jerks need not come to my door. I have my time with you now move on and get a life or steal someone else's spotlight cause no longer welcome in my life or around me.

This will take time cause i have been a bit of a welcome mat and pansy ass most of my life. But I deserve positive things in my life. So now I am going to go find it.

Well sorry for the bitch fest. But things needed to be said.

Sandman is sad the world has gone down the shitter. Peace out

Operation me

Greetings to the sleepy and tired.

I have been doing of thinking the last while about my place in the world.

Then I stopped for the first time in a long while. By stopped, I mean this is a pretty constant thing to check in with "Where am I?".

I am in all honesty where I should be. In spite or against the popular view that you must keep growing and learning and exploring or even building your life.

We all have the tools to live our lives, Life is the canvas in which to create and if willing share it with others.

The world is what it is, surprise you can not change to make fit to your life, but you certainly have to fit in it.

Am I saying the same idea over again yes, cause it needs to be said in several ways as we all think different.

I never expect at this point in life someone to understand what I write. I just think it is cool to respect that I can write anything at all.

There are many days when I drug myself to mask all that is going on and going out and interact with the world. Now drugged in the sense I take many pills to combat or balance the shit I have going on. But this is ongoing and is not ever going to change.

My wants and needs are solely based on how I function in the world of the Norms as I think of them.
The everyday Joe or Joans out there. Who live one life in one direction and have the family and a life that can be discussed simply and it is good overall and then you get latest disease and you are buried 6 feet under!

Woot for them, for the rest of us we do things ass backwards we fight and struggle for often an unreachable normal life.

My life, as I can not speak for others. Is a whirlwind of never-ending chaos with a healthy dash of the unknown. I it is day by day for me, recently they have been pretty good and dare I say close to normal.

However, I can not afford to ease up or let things go or things go spinning pretty darn quick. Kinda like the train of the tracks but in 3D.

What does all of this mean?

Well that I am going the right direction, been fixing somethings to live a less complicated life. Making a real effort to be healthy and in shape. And lastly comfortable in the fact it no longer matters what the world is doing. It only matters what I am doing in the world.

So begins my first mission for the be your own one person army. I am going to call it Operation Me.

Thanks for reading.

Sandman getting his things and hitting the road to the gym. Word

Bone Dance shake those crazy thoughts and dream.

Heya sleepy heads,

This a bit of a different post today.

I will be attending a festival later this year and the theme is called Bone Dance.

http://ravensknoll.net/rk/2014/11/bone-dance-theme-kaleidoscope-gathering-2015/

Yes, I am putting that out there LOL.

I had mentioned in a post that what comes to mind when I hear Bone Dance in my experiences things attached to death come to mind.

I wanted to expand that thought but did not want to put it on Face Book as it was not the place to do it.

Bone Dance is practiced in many different cultures in one form or another. The link above explains several examples of it so I am not really going to repeat thoughts already presented there.

For me, I already sort of incorporate a lot of those ideas into my lifestyle already.

I have felt with the way things are in society that we are all the same core being. Take away race, gender, social position we are basically water and carbon.

I have really tried over the last few years of my self-exploration to take away the judgement that is so popular and common about humanity as a whole.

Also, Death is part of a cycle of the natural world. I already have accepted a lot of the concepts that are not part of Bone Dance exactly, but relate to the aspects of it on a daily basis.

I pay homage to the dead, blood and family as they came before us and through their lives I can relate or draw upon their lives. We all have our time on Earth to live or dance through or as part of my culture or spiritual path. Music and culture have and will always play a large role as part of this.

Death has often been seen as a certain ending, with it things stop. Actually we continue to be active beyond death as our bodies go back into the Earth creating material which to create a life from.

The end of a life is a beginning of something else. Not always about being reborn but providing the energy to be available for something new.

There is an odd sense of loss that the World has adopted into society today that we must be sad and grieve over those who pass on.

My thought is they should be remembered and honored not be a memory or forgotten. Celebrate some part of the life while they were here.

Not everyone is someone that people do want to have any part of or they were that great a person. At least wish the next life to be better for them. Be thankful for what knowledge or lessons you have learned. This echo will continue on in your own life and beyond.

So that is about it for now. The past is where you came from so that the future can be what you make it.

Sandman out.

Out with the Old in with the new

Hello everyone, I know long time no type. But this is the blog to catch everyone up and reflect on the year that has been.

Well,this year has been one of change, growth and hanging on for to my sanity and health.

It was certainly not the year where things went with any sort of plan.

The last 4 months has been radio silent as I ran into major lack of communication devices of any sort. This period which I now am calling the great social experiment was just short of seeing me end up in a padded room.

But here I am not to beaten up with new tech to keep me going.

Another theme was truly living my motto being your own one person army. I lived this year my way with little or no outside influence and drama and pushed long and hard to see where my limits truly were at the end of the year.

What I learned is that I must work with people to find my direction with the plans and more importantly dreams for the future, yet I can do it using my own vision.

I learned, to step forward and PR an idea is not without it's draw backs.

I have lost a hero in Robin Williams, a family member I know you would love seeing me write this Grandma I miss you greatly, but know I will indeed every day live my life with my goals set on move forward and doing that which I set my heart, mind, body and soul to.

Learned of sickness of other family members. A dramatic change in my social circle and seeing me be more involved with my own life and finding again who I am.

As well my new project Spirit Tree Crafts got launched into more of a living breathing thing much earlier than planned and has been my muse, my pride and my joy and very much has kept me going through a very hard and often times very lonely year.

I pulled myself out of a deep hole and gave back to a community very dear to my heart and turned my year and impacted my life like no other single thing I have done to date. I still am unsure how I managed what I did. A true dedication to my new be your own army mentality.

My health has continued to be a story maker, major revelations occurred that has me guessing about things in the future. The treatment and plan I am on is only doing so much. and even doing a intensive fitness program most of the year last year has helped has done nothing to slow my body's interior decline.

This is something I have told no one accept my close family and the Doctors that are part of my care. Until now, on top of the chaos of this year this has been my driving and constant thought.

This has shaped my year to cutting back on travel and visits, nuking any and all possible drama outside of my own bubble. It crippled me mentally for a short time as I sat down with the idea for many long winter months last year.

I already face many crazy things, the one thing I changed though, the dream and goal of having a balanced
life where things just work and things sort out cause it is supposed to is gone. I had long fought for that but with the latest bit of health news.

Now with the coming of my be your own army, finding me again and growing in new ways. Change and chaos are very much something I must work with. As both of those things lead to new ideas and opens even more doors that I had been blind to before. Renewed strength and energy and anything that happens now is cause I wanted it to happen. And my choices are key to my future right here right now.

So far it has made my life better across the board I am more focused less critical of myself and have accepted that the people around me may not always understand and disagree with things but that is ok cause I don't like it much either but to let them influence me with negative things or their ways is not an option.  A better functioning and happier me makes everyone's life better.

So in closing thank goodness that year is gone now time to push forward and tackle a new year.

Sandman is saying that was a long reflection and needs to taste some fresh new year air. That all for now folks. Oh and I ams who I ams and that is all that I ams.