Whispers of Relationships past

Hello sleepy heads,

I am doing something new with my journey of self growth today.

I have for years collectively and unfairly have had in the past seen only the negative things that have happened to me in my relationships and never really honored the good that has come out of it.

I hope by doing this it changes my attitude of relationships and helps with future interactions.

I have learned the power and of the Mother's instinct towards children how the bond that is between a mother and her children is a path to the future of our world. In order to grow with someone they must include and cherish children as much as the mom.

I have been reminded of the need to tap and get in touch with your inner child and to play to ease the stress of the world and to give yourself a break. It is ok to get lost in silly times and enjoy childish thoughts.

Take in the world around you and be aware of everything your senses tell you. It makes what you do in life have more meaning and value that you can share with others as a gift of understanding.

Do connect and keep in touch with old friends as long as you can as they helped shape your life to waht it is today.

Seek out passion in all the things you do, keeping your heart open and fill it up to keep the fires of inspiration going even at the hardest lowest times. Always seek the truth behind the actions of others so that less miscommunication happens.

Be proud of your style of life and witty conversations you have friends and strangers alike.

Life is to short, laughter lightens the heavy things in life. Keeps you smiling and your heart young.

And keep strong and grounded even against all odds. You deserve a better outcome in life when the shit is piling up. It is a beautiful thing to overcome a challenge in life.

I honor whose that have taught me these things and even though you are not part of my heart you have shaped my soul and the person I am today.

I thank you for the gifts you have given me, the fun times we have shared and the inspiration of hope you have given me in one day finding someone that is all these and more.

I hope where ever you are you are well and at peace. Thank you so very much for sharing even a little bit of your lives.

Sandman out.

Odd thoughts to odd terms used that piss me off.

Hello, sleepy world,

So going to update some of my thoughts from last year on dating and relationships.

Why use trendy nonsense words like spark or vibe and chemistry to crush someone's hopes of happiness?

Spark, what the hell has this got to do with emotions at all. I am not a robot from another world. I am as real as everything living on this planet.

Spark is dumb if you are looking for a spark with me you won't get it cause I am not a toaster or TV hello.

I mean I love tech, and pretty lights but my thoughts and emotions come from passion and caring. Which I have enough of for several people. It is embarrassing to hear from someone summing up their limited and short exposure to my life to no spark.

What the hell, easy trendy word that means so much more than the actual purpose of it. I am tired of it cause I feel like I am just being tossed like an outdated piece of hardware.

Have a heart and at less give me something to work with rather than some lame ass word to define some pretty heavy emotional thing.

Vibe, I see where this might have been useful years ago. Now though I drive a Vibe. It describes for me a gut feeling or sense of a situation that can be good or bad. I g
et this sometimes as a follow word to the hey don't feel like I just curb stomped your heart. It is the Vibe right nothing personally.

Ok, I am in mental and emotional shock. Let me collect my sorry ass before shoving that salt in my wound!

Ah yes, Chemistry is something I remember avoiding in High School. Or a type of science to study chemicals, gases and things.

I get that yes, there some chemical reaction in our grey matter going on but I am not some kind of freak lab rat for fuck sake.

These terms are not needed, I just don't like you works with the same point and power than the above terms. Nothing wrong with not liking someone. Hell you do not owe them anything as to why either.

The emotional pain of breaking a social connection is painful enough. To sugar coat it even more it is not helpful to anyone.

And for me who has issues understanding complex emotional and verbal ideas it does the opposite to the intended message. I read that as some room to work with it is not black and white enough for me. Just pretty damn confusing honestly.

And if the person takes it hard and is freaky or strange. It is supposed to happen that way. You don't like them in a romantic way this will make sure they know where they stand without question.

The other terms can also be seen as judgement. People don't do well these days when they feel they are being judged. It is what it is these days. Intention and meaning is shit today.

People just want to see, hear and feel the way they will. If they want to freak out, overthink and or get hostile. This is not your concern. This is their reaction and now is out of your hands. They choose this as they wish to react. You are good, anything after this really is just crap and BS.

Likely the reason why you are choosing to break it off anyway. So this is more or less confirming the feeling you are getting about things. Walk away and keep on moving.

Sandman out

Creative Overtime

Hi,

putting poems down as I see them.

Reminders of the bonds,

Binding me to promises,

Woman's words only reprises,

Of the chains,

Scars of pain,

Even all this time,

I can her chime,

You are home,

Why are people all the same,

Finding words to heal but maim,

Clouding the future interactions,

No more satisfaction,

You look at me that way,

Sorrow held in sway,

No Angels going to come and save me,

Fresh out of White Knights and can't see,

Why no one has faith,

Treat me like a Wraith,

Just want a heart to call own,

Shit, I made my own Home,

Here I wait

Here I will stay,

What happened to the pay it forward bank, more like broken backwards

Hello, how are the sleepy and the restless.


So yes you are not seeing things I find myself back on here in less than a week from my last post.

All my life I have been doing things for others spent most of my life helping and being a caretaker. The thankless role in modern society.

Where is my damn payback, I am due, I am owed something for all my work and dedication for all my invested years.

Not brush-offs and half assed commitments, not IOUs or sure we will do something soon.

I want it back now, my self-worth involves feeling like I am not something that can be ignored or pushed to the damn side.

I would never treat people with such disrespect unless they got in now face and thought they were so much better than me.

I bear a lot of weight of stress or the potential of it every day. I have made a promise to myself a few years ago that I need to find a place in my life where I can just be, no worries, or concerns or heaping piles of bs dumping all over me 24/7.

I have found and it has made the world of difference. I no longer involve myself in lives of others unless I feel ok with doing it. Now a new promise if you are not around to make things better then it is time for you to go.

Also going to make an effort to be more critical of my interaction with Negative anything. I know the world is a tough place well you are not dragging me with you. I have worked hard to get where I am. Which is not much but it is mine and I earned it.

The power here is if you power and invest into the negative things then you are only going to get it back but if you walk away you might find things are better.

People will not put up with negative stuff for long. It hurts to see people resort to this sort of thing, but people are jerks more and more these days.

Jerks need not come to my door. I have my time with you now move on and get a life or steal someone else's spotlight cause no longer welcome in my life or around me.

This will take time cause i have been a bit of a welcome mat and pansy ass most of my life. But I deserve positive things in my life. So now I am going to go find it.

Well sorry for the bitch fest. But things needed to be said.

Sandman is sad the world has gone down the shitter. Peace out

Operation me

Greetings to the sleepy and tired.

I have been doing of thinking the last while about my place in the world.

Then I stopped for the first time in a long while. By stopped, I mean this is a pretty constant thing to check in with "Where am I?".

I am in all honesty where I should be. In spite or against the popular view that you must keep growing and learning and exploring or even building your life.

We all have the tools to live our lives, Life is the canvas in which to create and if willing share it with others.

The world is what it is, surprise you can not change to make fit to your life, but you certainly have to fit in it.

Am I saying the same idea over again yes, cause it needs to be said in several ways as we all think different.

I never expect at this point in life someone to understand what I write. I just think it is cool to respect that I can write anything at all.

There are many days when I drug myself to mask all that is going on and going out and interact with the world. Now drugged in the sense I take many pills to combat or balance the shit I have going on. But this is ongoing and is not ever going to change.

My wants and needs are solely based on how I function in the world of the Norms as I think of them.
The everyday Joe or Joans out there. Who live one life in one direction and have the family and a life that can be discussed simply and it is good overall and then you get latest disease and you are buried 6 feet under!

Woot for them, for the rest of us we do things ass backwards we fight and struggle for often an unreachable normal life.

My life, as I can not speak for others. Is a whirlwind of never-ending chaos with a healthy dash of the unknown. I it is day by day for me, recently they have been pretty good and dare I say close to normal.

However, I can not afford to ease up or let things go or things go spinning pretty darn quick. Kinda like the train of the tracks but in 3D.

What does all of this mean?

Well that I am going the right direction, been fixing somethings to live a less complicated life. Making a real effort to be healthy and in shape. And lastly comfortable in the fact it no longer matters what the world is doing. It only matters what I am doing in the world.

So begins my first mission for the be your own one person army. I am going to call it Operation Me.

Thanks for reading.

Sandman getting his things and hitting the road to the gym. Word

Bone Dance shake those crazy thoughts and dream.

Heya sleepy heads,

This a bit of a different post today.

I will be attending a festival later this year and the theme is called Bone Dance.

http://ravensknoll.net/rk/2014/11/bone-dance-theme-kaleidoscope-gathering-2015/

Yes, I am putting that out there LOL.

I had mentioned in a post that what comes to mind when I hear Bone Dance in my experiences things attached to death come to mind.

I wanted to expand that thought but did not want to put it on Face Book as it was not the place to do it.

Bone Dance is practiced in many different cultures in one form or another. The link above explains several examples of it so I am not really going to repeat thoughts already presented there.

For me, I already sort of incorporate a lot of those ideas into my lifestyle already.

I have felt with the way things are in society that we are all the same core being. Take away race, gender, social position we are basically water and carbon.

I have really tried over the last few years of my self-exploration to take away the judgement that is so popular and common about humanity as a whole.

Also, Death is part of a cycle of the natural world. I already have accepted a lot of the concepts that are not part of Bone Dance exactly, but relate to the aspects of it on a daily basis.

I pay homage to the dead, blood and family as they came before us and through their lives I can relate or draw upon their lives. We all have our time on Earth to live or dance through or as part of my culture or spiritual path. Music and culture have and will always play a large role as part of this.

Death has often been seen as a certain ending, with it things stop. Actually we continue to be active beyond death as our bodies go back into the Earth creating material which to create a life from.

The end of a life is a beginning of something else. Not always about being reborn but providing the energy to be available for something new.

There is an odd sense of loss that the World has adopted into society today that we must be sad and grieve over those who pass on.

My thought is they should be remembered and honored not be a memory or forgotten. Celebrate some part of the life while they were here.

Not everyone is someone that people do want to have any part of or they were that great a person. At least wish the next life to be better for them. Be thankful for what knowledge or lessons you have learned. This echo will continue on in your own life and beyond.

So that is about it for now. The past is where you came from so that the future can be what you make it.

Sandman out.

Out with the Old in with the new

Hello everyone, I know long time no type. But this is the blog to catch everyone up and reflect on the year that has been.

Well,this year has been one of change, growth and hanging on for to my sanity and health.

It was certainly not the year where things went with any sort of plan.

The last 4 months has been radio silent as I ran into major lack of communication devices of any sort. This period which I now am calling the great social experiment was just short of seeing me end up in a padded room.

But here I am not to beaten up with new tech to keep me going.

Another theme was truly living my motto being your own one person army. I lived this year my way with little or no outside influence and drama and pushed long and hard to see where my limits truly were at the end of the year.

What I learned is that I must work with people to find my direction with the plans and more importantly dreams for the future, yet I can do it using my own vision.

I learned, to step forward and PR an idea is not without it's draw backs.

I have lost a hero in Robin Williams, a family member I know you would love seeing me write this Grandma I miss you greatly, but know I will indeed every day live my life with my goals set on move forward and doing that which I set my heart, mind, body and soul to.

Learned of sickness of other family members. A dramatic change in my social circle and seeing me be more involved with my own life and finding again who I am.

As well my new project Spirit Tree Crafts got launched into more of a living breathing thing much earlier than planned and has been my muse, my pride and my joy and very much has kept me going through a very hard and often times very lonely year.

I pulled myself out of a deep hole and gave back to a community very dear to my heart and turned my year and impacted my life like no other single thing I have done to date. I still am unsure how I managed what I did. A true dedication to my new be your own army mentality.

My health has continued to be a story maker, major revelations occurred that has me guessing about things in the future. The treatment and plan I am on is only doing so much. and even doing a intensive fitness program most of the year last year has helped has done nothing to slow my body's interior decline.

This is something I have told no one accept my close family and the Doctors that are part of my care. Until now, on top of the chaos of this year this has been my driving and constant thought.

This has shaped my year to cutting back on travel and visits, nuking any and all possible drama outside of my own bubble. It crippled me mentally for a short time as I sat down with the idea for many long winter months last year.

I already face many crazy things, the one thing I changed though, the dream and goal of having a balanced
life where things just work and things sort out cause it is supposed to is gone. I had long fought for that but with the latest bit of health news.

Now with the coming of my be your own army, finding me again and growing in new ways. Change and chaos are very much something I must work with. As both of those things lead to new ideas and opens even more doors that I had been blind to before. Renewed strength and energy and anything that happens now is cause I wanted it to happen. And my choices are key to my future right here right now.

So far it has made my life better across the board I am more focused less critical of myself and have accepted that the people around me may not always understand and disagree with things but that is ok cause I don't like it much either but to let them influence me with negative things or their ways is not an option.  A better functioning and happier me makes everyone's life better.

So in closing thank goodness that year is gone now time to push forward and tackle a new year.

Sandman is saying that was a long reflection and needs to taste some fresh new year air. That all for now folks. Oh and I ams who I ams and that is all that I ams.              

Sounding off

Hey got something to get off my chest,

Been doing online reading on my diagnoses on a few things. As I have been questioned on or heard people wondering what is up with me.

How I act and interact with people is strange but functional. I know this a million times over. I only address it like this when it is important to me for all of you to know.

Sadly, every few years I am called out or disregarded in general. I really don't care too much about it. Not like I can throw a switch and oh everything is normal.

I wish what I have was silly and dumb and fake as over the years people have claimed.  I can't fake what I have or keep it hidden. Unless you talk to me about what I have going on, whatever you hear is to be taken with a great deal of bs and rumour.

Awareness is a big part of my life, I sleep thinking about it and do it daily with people as I have to to represent myself. I have grown tough skin and I cope in ways that boogle most people including Doctors and other medical Professionals.

Honestly confront me, awareness starts with hearing seeing and understanding. I try to do what I can, if that is not good enough for you that is your problem cause i will gladly trade for an hour what I have for an hour of peace.

The other thing, I am damn tired of hurtful words coming from good people about other good people. It is the same thing in the end and should be no surprise that everyone talks or thinks about others, all the time. Only difference is some people have respect of what their words may do to others. Others do not. So enough is enough.

Yes, I am guilty of it as well cause bloody shocking I am no angel. But I do it so rarely and in response to the small bit I hear said about me. It make me sick and stressed when I do it cause it hurts to say anything. IT HURTS people bloody remember that.

Well there you have it.

Sandman out.

It is time to begin a new era.

Hey hey,

Hello the Sandman is back.

And is time to for a new piece of creative work to be shared.

I have a different spiritual path to most people out there. I feel it every second I am awake and see it in my dreams at night.

God is only part of the spiritual realm many people walk. And that is fine to believe what you will is a hope and meaning to live a brighter and fuller life.

It is not my cup of tea but I honour that which has been created the earth and nature that inhabits it. No religion is perfect each has it's good points and bad.

I is only important to hold hope and peace in your heart that matters, even if it is only the belief that you yourself is the only thing that matters.

Everyone walks where they do it is not my place to judge but to walk in my own direction and journey my own journey.

So I give you my latest poem that some of you have seen before but now it should be shared.

The Path Less taken

I am an Autistic Pagan, places, sights and sounds are important to most people. But everything for me is brighter, louder and more intense.

I get lost in what I am doing, where I am, where I am going, but not who I am.

I will always jump at the chance to go a place in Nature, it is like a comfort blanket, the energy, you can pull around you, be one with the land, be one with yourself, be truly safe at home.

My magic, comes from my heart, through creative means, an instinct of thought, sometimes wishes and wants. But always to share in what I know as it is not me to deny others the chance to know and learn.

I do not have need for the groups or enclaves, my stories, ideas are always floating in my head, joining a group means I need to decode and adjust and make sense of things no one else could ever understand.

I live ritual each day from Sun up, to Sun Down please do not get upset when you explain it to me and how it is always to be and I tell you to stuff it. I am the ritual, and this life is mine.

Why is it always a feeling, chained down with rules when the simple things are enough. The concrete jungle can have drama, noise, dull grey buildings. None of this helps me live in the second I breakdown.

My solutions you can not find in a book or app, it might seem odd and that is ok. The dirt I hold in my hand might mean more than all the treasure you can possibly find.

I am an Autistic Pagan watch the beauty of my mind unwind.

HAWMC Final Post

Hello, to one and all :)

I want to thank those of you that took the time to read and and add comments.

I had some small hick ups in posting a few times but I did fairly well.

Topics I liked the Give your teenaged self advice based on where you are now in life.

It was tough to think on it but when I got started it just flowed on out and man what I said to myself was eye opening.

The hardest was the picture days not just cause I had troubles posting but just what to post.

All in all I jump started getting back into my blogging which I had missed a lot over the years but now I have a regular place where I can come and type out my feels.

I am glad I got involved as it was not in my comfort zone to do but I tried it and it was lots of fun :)

And I want to say thank you for the others that also did this challenge you all rock. And are all inspirational in your own way which is great.

So one last time for awhile anyway.

Thank you all for coming aboard the Night Train the Sandman is heading out to the next big adventure.

Sandman out, peace to you all :)

HAWMC Day 28-30

Hello, Day Dreamers

So, I am behind and still can't get photos to work so I am instead doing a 3 for 1 catch up session.

This summer I will be catching up with friends starting new traditions getting into more balanced shape in mind soul and body.

I have always loved the great outdoors even if I did not always understand the awesome transcendence and peace that is being one with nature.

There is something very calming and peaceful about sitting in a forest just taking it all in. And that folks is what have been doing more of each of the last 6 years. It is my stress buster it is my real free therapy it grounds my for the chaos of the small town gossip and concrete hell of the big city.

I am free to be myself no tree or rock can tell me to be anything but me, millions of things to lean on for support and you fail and it does not cause you injury nothing cares.

To my young grasshopper self, you don't know what awaits you in the future, but please understand all you are worried about means nothing, make your choices you made and enjoy them even more than you know how.

I would change my direction in schooling to helping children rather than health care. Child care can be stressful but it won't take the same toll as health care will. Do keep in touch with your inner child you loose it and end up in a very dark place.

Yes Mom and Dad will get you eventually they are far cooler than you will ever give them credit for and you will end up teaching them rather them teaching you.

You will develop a crazy amount of friendships that will be very dear to your heart and painful when they leave.

Know this, whatever happens no matter the distance or time yes you do matter to people and they will remember you long after you forget them, your legacy was so profound by what you did in your childhood that it will ripple into and serve you well into being an adult.

STAY TRUE TO YOUR PATH EVEN IT IS THE BORING, LESS DANGEROUS ONE TRUST IN YOURSELF!!!!!!

You are far more amazing than you will ever even imagine, see and do things few people will ever do in their lives and you will reaper the experience and knowledge of this and it will give more courage to do what you must do in the coming years.

Ok don't worry about girls so much it is always a work in progress, your heart is a good one and well is so unique that it will take sometime before someone sees the richness that it is and lets you stay awhile. It is what it is don't sweat it.

I am writing to you cause you lose yourself in about 11 years and only find yourself again by the age of 35 it is ok you need this time to recreate yourself several times over.

Your thoughts and your words are your personal mark on this world you keep on thinking and writing words it will matter one day. In those lost years you stop using your voice and nearly fade away totally.

Hope is what it is even in a world that has no clue about what it knows about you. You get blessed with a profound and deep understanding of your inner self and then in touch with your inner child to see the beauty and wonder again in a rather bleak and oppressive world. You are part of those who break the mold of normal and blaze bravely forward on their own.

You are your own one person army and no one can stop or take that away. Go live the life you want.

That is all for me for now.

Sandman Out

HAWMC Day27

Book Report. What’s your favorite book and how can you tie to your health
or life?

Hello, night owls and early birds.

I don't do book reports, cause I can never choose a favourite book.

But I can pick a book I really like and totally relate to it.

The Green Mile by Stephen King

I know strange choice but not really, ya I am a white guy, where John Coffey was black but his character suits me perfectly.

No I have never been to jail, but at times I feel my body is locked down with being tired and worry so brutal I do feel like I am in my own personal cell.

Now he was accused of murder when in fact he tried to help, but based on the colour of his skin and his large size he was falsely charged. But in actual fact he had the heart of of a mountain. Was able to heal but pay a price for doing so. I was in the health care field but the shifts and the constant grind agitated surface health issues into full blow problems. All I wanted to do for the longest time was help people and instead was the person that needs the help.

Also I am a bigger man so I have felt many times misjudged for who I am based on appearance. I was bullied and oppressed when I was younger by the kids and an education system that just did not understand.

Many times it showed he was misunderstood, show a unfaltering kindness for nature and for those in pain. Something I have always been, wanting to end the suffering of others. I have a deep personal connection with the natural world I visit and immerse myself with as much as possible. His connection even though with a mouse was a very powerful one.

The book had a sense of justice about it as well, you will get what is coming to you feel. Based on actions taken and words said both negative and positive.

And even though things did not come to good ends in the story, I have fought many years to get some happiness back into my life. To reclaim what I have lost and to define who I am as a person.

I am also not an angry man but am full of passion and emotion.

In recent years though things have been getting better though not perfect but not worse at least. I am trying my best to keep myself functioning as well as possible. And more days than not I am happy.

To the spirit of those like the character of John Coffee I want to know you are not alone and we all have a lot to learn from quick judgement, and assumption of others. Peace to you :)

that is all I have for tonight, Sandman out.

HAWMC Day 25

Hello sleepy heads,

Yes I am back and ready to talk about fitness and road to a better life.

 Fitness Friday. What do you do to stay fit? Tell us about your efforts in
maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

Well this is a good topic to come back on after a few days break. I am still having issues posting pictures on hear so Wednesday did not happen and Thursday I opted to not write cause I was too tired and was running around most of the day.

So today is make up time for that lapse, I have just completed a fitness program to pre-empt any heart issues I may have as I get older, the program was an intensive 4 months of learning how to better look after myself.

The results are quite noticeable, the program focused on stretching, weight train and aerobic exercises, as well as an education program for other helpful things. Such as dieting, heart function, exercise planning, food choice.

So I have been doing a lot lately to improve every part of my life.

Now that it is over I now have to keep it going and so far not too bad, signing up for a gym is taking longer than I thought but I have been walking lots, and have developed a base program to keep me going until i get going on heading to the Gym..

I already have been feeling better, now with the nicer weather things are only going to get more active.

My goal is to get up 10000 steps a day a goal I was not able to get to in the program, get a membership at a local fitness centre and get moving with that and start reducing the food portion I have been having even more.

My goal by the end of the summer is to loose 5 lbs and keep it off. then progressively loose more weight until my goal of loosing 20 lbs. If I can do that it would help a great deal.

So that is what my fitness has been like in the last little while.

The better shape I am in the better life I will have overall.

I already feel a million percent better. Have been trying very hard to keep things going :)

Should be great, will be doing a fair bit of camping this summer so that should be a really go change I can not wait :)

Any who that is what I have been up to for fitness and improving my life lately.

Pumping you up I am zee Sandman saying good day and rest well.

HAWMC Day 22

Hobbies! We at WEGO Health love hobbies. Tell us, what are YOUR hobbies?
Are you a rock collector? Scrapbooking? Photographer? Dancer? Share your
talents.

Hello,

Yes I has things I can totally show and tell.

You have already seen some of my poems that I have written so I won't put up today.

Hobbies collecting Rocks for sure, wood working for sure, poetry I do quite a bit as well, cooking mmmmmm.


So for some reason I can't post pictures today so.

I guess that is it for today frustrating big time. Sad panda

So Sandman out

HAWMC Day 21

Reflection. This is a day to reflect. For the WEGO Health family, we reflect on
those who lost loved ones in the Boston Marathon Bombing last year and
hope for a bright future for those impacted. Reflect on your journey to this
day, what are your thoughts and hopes for the future?

Hello, it is too early to be up and not enough pick me up and get going peeps.

Reflection on a senseless act of violence hurting and killing for no reason.

My heart goes out to the families affected by the bombings last year.

I think today I will use a poem I wrote that went to last years Narcolepsy international conference for and art display for Narcolepsy awareness. The theme was Dreams, this was my offering that was picked to go.

Dreams

I have a Dream to have good days again,

To pick myself back up when I fall again,

To realise the strong friends I have,

Know a hand up is not a hand out,

Courage in the face of all fear,

Live not in hell but in peace again,

For people around me to understand me,

To continue to fight for the best life,

To shake the hand of Harmony,

To dance forever with Balance,

Play games with Justice, smiling,

Tell Regret to pass me by not wanted,

Love to give me a fair chance again,

Make unpopular choices and come out on top,

Dreams are possible cause it is yours,

No one can take it away cause you own it,

Live the dream if it fits your life,

Love the love you feel is right,

Remember all of those who did you wrong,

Walk away and always be strong,

I Have Dream, it is yours to pass along,

I think that is a good one, I look back on it often. Dreams and goals are something no one can take away from you cause it is yours to create and to fulfill.

It hit directly on how chronic illness can steal parts of your life you wish you could have but accept that your cards are always on the table and you need to create the best hand possible in an often uncertain and murky path through life. 

I have done well, I won't say it has been fun. But my victoires out weigh my losses. 

It has taken me years to regain the happiness that was stolen from me many years ago but I has it back and I am making the needed adjustments to keep it that way for many years to come.

Anywho that is pretty deep for a Monday lol

Sandman is leaving the building peeps.

HAWMC Day 20

Travel Time. If you could travel to anywhere in the world, where would you
go? Why? We also know traveling with a chronic illness can be challenging, so
any tips for others that you can share would be great

Well been places, but you know cause I have no money and been to the places I want to go.

I am cool with staying local. I know O.O

Why cause it is an crazy to plan a road trip an hour away.

So it is life event to go anywhere more than a few hours away. Airports make me something something crazy.

So, I love to explore the places around me and that is ok cause I love exploring places.

With that said, issues of travel, medication worries, planning worries, worry worries, am I going to die, am I going to maim the customs people with their dumb questions.

I travel with my family cause I needz my safety blanket. I trust no one but my family and the people I travel with on road trips. Can't get any simpler than that.

The other reason is that Canada eh, it is a big country don't ya know eh!

So many places to go within only an hour of me it is wonderful really :)

So there is the short and skimpy on my travel time :)

Sandman Out.

HAWMC Day 19

Hello,

Lesson Learned. What’s a lesson you learned the hard way? Tell us a time
when you made a mistake and promised never to make that same mistake
again. Write about it for 15 today.

So, I have been sitting here for 15 minutes trying to think of something, anything worth writing about for today.

The thing is I am not one for making promises to myself the to not do something again.It is impossible for me to commit to something like that. 

Hitting the big red button is part of life, mistakes spark learning about the world and growing as a person.This in turn causes solution of creative ideas to better your life as a whole. 

I truly feel that, inspiration and innovation come from what we don't do right and the ripple effect done correctly often results in more self awareness. 

But I have to come up with something, chirp....chirp...chirp

SO, here it is this last year I learned that Drew needs to stay in Drew's own epically cool bubble of goodness and not have any deep meaningful connection with either toxic to me people or toxic to me other people's shit issue piles. 

So that has been my mission for this year to work on the skills I need to not get involved in stuff that is not my business in the first place because there is nothing I can fix or do about it.

Part of this is saying and stand behind saying no to BS. And no one is immune to this, cause I can't have this crap in my life anymore cause it makes all my shit going on millions of times worse. 

I have no issues walking away anymore from something that is going to cause fear or stress to me. Honestly I should have done this many years ago. Accept that for the above part of this post if I had not come to this conclusion I could have never made the changes I have to make my life better, and be happier with who I am right now.

So, to end this Shit happens I just make sure I it is my own shit I deal now and not other people's shit.

Sandman out, Peace

Hello crack of dawners,

5 Challenges & 5 Small Victories. Make a list of the 5 most difficult parts of
your health focus. Make another top 5 list for the little, good things (small
victories) that keep you going.

So this is the task at hand for today's topic.

1. Stigma- The world is a hard place to live, everyone has their own pile of issues and complications. It is a mad, mad world out there.

Then for a second pretend that you have years of training in the medical field, expectations pile on like an unwanted dog pile. And after fighting through the training to become a health professional wham your ability to do what you are trained to do is stripped away for you and you become a danger to be in the profession that was going to set you up for life.

Then accepting that you have step down from this cause you know it is the right thing to do. And seek help for support. So you go from calling the shots on people's health and healing to barely able to function and think hey everyone will understand my situation.

 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, not a small chance in hell did that happen, questions and defending my decisions and guilt piled on me for my choices and what is wrong with you look are smart and can do anything, you just need a break, oh maybe you can just get a part time job, oh wasted all that school you are a loser, why are sleeping and doing nothing at home but sleeping what are you brain dead or something. 

I have had to creep up from under level of rock bottom, to get where I am fighting all the way, pride bruised and humbled daily by the lack of know that everyday is going to be different. Explain that to people hundreds of times over. Why it is they are "Supporting me" with their hard earned money? 

Yes, I wanted not to be able to stay awake, not sleep well, wake up in puddles of my own sweat, have cut out half the things I used to eat, suffer in the hot summer heat, not be able to hold down a job cause I would break down. Not be able to do employment screening tests cause my mind blanks. But ya I look ok lol.

2. One little, two little, three little, four little, five little, six little health issues. I am seen even by Doctors and hospitals as a "special complex case" I feel like an X-man if I ever need to go to the Emergency cause often I am used as a education opportunity as I have a few wonderfully unique things going on. So unless I am bleeding out, or dying I have to wait as they put the medical puzzle together look things up and cross of everything first before they actually get to my problem. This tacks on hours to my already hours of waiting to get help. I will let you know I only go if it is absolutely needed so I am already in bad shape when I get there.  I don't need nor want to be treated any differently.

3. Poor understanding and education of health care professionals, wait what you say. It is a fact that all my "wasted" medical knowledge diagnosed 3 out the 6 issues I have. What? yup that is right not doctors, myself. Normal health care plans do to apply because no doctor can get a handle on all I have going on. Even my family Doc has admitted that she is uncomfortable dealing with my case without the assistance of several specialists. I require a team of experts to look after me. This is a waste, if the proper awareness, support and the removal of ignorance existed. I would not require half the crap I require.  

4. "Support" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA you live in Canada what is your problem you looked after. HAHAHAHAHAHA, if you mean able to live month to month with boo all sure I suppose. Yes there are those that play the game of give me a free ride cause I have a hangnail, but there are hundreds more who truly need the help. I want to work, but am not confident that I could sustain functioning long enough to keep employment. Even on my best days anything stressful or rapid change I do not function well.By that I mean I freak out and shut down.

5. Money, yes I know everyone has this issue. Yes but when everyone is telling you to do this and that, ok where is the money to do these this what non existent program do I sign up for honestly. Really you think I would not do more if I had more, I am the one with the issues here but I wonder who is got the issues. Deep Breath 1.2.3.4.5...

Ok so that list is over yays woot woot.

1. Awareness- I have spent many years working on acceptance of my situation and now I am ready to open minds and shock sleeping giants into action. I am doing whatever I can to educate and bring awareness to my issues. I look and for the most part act normal. But at the end of the day when I sit down or pass out with dealing with the outside world I am spent, I have very little left to enjoy half the stuff I really want to do in a day. I live very simply, cause it easier to manage and focus. And this took many years and huge changes to achieve. I am very proud of where I was to where I am today and will never go back but always forward.

2. I have with great care and work gotten complex me under wraps, oh the balancing act of each day is harder than everyone can imagine. I do a very good job of it, and am learning to be less hard on myself and more open to my own strengths.

3. I can not rely on conventional medical wisdom, I have to listen to my own body and do what is needed under the close eye of a doctor. Why not, that is what they are over paid to do after all. But no they certainly do not have all the answers. Nor are they right half the time. If you fall within a mold of a wonderful little health plan that they know in their sleep all is good. Anything outside of that, a lot of guess work is involved.

4. Support- I am here today because of the support I do get above and beyond what the government gives me. I am hundreds of times blessed by friends and family that have helped me more than I could ever repay. 

5. Self worth and knowing that an illness is just a word, is far more valuable than any form of money. Cause it is true that if you look after yourself first then everything else will improve. Maybe not where you think you should be or want but it will open more doors than not. I have never let everything going on stop me from doing things I want to do, just may take years instead of months. 

Be your own, one person army, Sandman out.

HAWMC Day 17

T.V. Mash up day hello.

So I am going to say what my show that I can relate to but as to having people I know stand in as the characters not going to happen.

My life is a T.V. Real show, I have enough real people in my life that are all unique in the roles that they have played in my life.

I would not want to sub in fake characters to play their roles as that does not do them justice for what my friends and family mean to me. They are real people and I like them for that very reason.

Nor would I change a show I like cause I like the characters just the way they are. When I watch a show I want it to be a distraction from reality for a short period of time. Not turn my own life ahhhhhhh what the heck.

So no I will not ruin my distractions with my reality, my life is unique enough thank you very much :)

I honor and value the people in my life and are not replaceable not at all, not ever.

Sandman signing out,

HAWMC Day 15

Hello, everyone hope things are good :)

“Health tagline” Give yourself, your blog, your condition, or some aspect of
your health a tagline. Make sure it’s catchy!

So it begins, as the days get deeper into the months the prompts get tougher. And so they should be getting harder to keep us on our toes. Today is a fine example of I have not got a clue how to attack this topic time.

So I thought on this all day what am I going to do.

Then I realized I have already mentioned my tagline several times already.

I am, a one person army, this has a story behind it.

I know, at some point in your life a song has come up that has sparked or inspired you the reader to be happy or write something or explore the artist more cause it was cool enough to check it out.

That is where my tagline origins are from a song. The Killers wrote a beauty called I got soul but not a soldier.

I am not a fighter but boy do I have a lot of Soul, the daily struggles, fighting my body to work the way I need it to, fighting sleep attacks daily, beating down stigmas and labels. Enjoying the little victories (yes total setup for later this week :) ) I have achieved over the years.

The video to this song is a dream which is a huge part of my life, my reality vs lala land.

It is all about, owning your life and if you want to do some thing it is going to require a fight to get it. No one is going to understand how and what you want than, well you.

Be that one person army to boot down the walls that is holding you back, get up and face the day, win that support you need, stand up for yourself when someone questions your needs and why even if people can't see what is going on let them know to dispel any and all assumptions they might have about you. Be willing to let people into your bubble to stand with you.

So what are you waiting for just go do it already you will thank yourself later :)

Grrrrr, Sandman signing off to go kick some serious ass.